then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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