Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
