Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
