at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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