Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
