i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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