there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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