I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
