K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
