so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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