I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize