Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
