What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
