I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize