Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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