Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
