How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize