Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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