Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
