Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My liver just had a heart attack.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
