I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
