chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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