She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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