I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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