i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
