Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
