considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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