Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
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