he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
