eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
splinters make it hard to masturbate
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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