I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
