so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
