Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
