He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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