he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
