so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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