Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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