No stitches, just platelets and will power
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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