dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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