he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
