I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Michael Bay diarrhea
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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