Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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