I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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