I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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