What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
