I didn't shave. On purpose
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Text me some of your sweat
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
