I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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