Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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