the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
