When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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