and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Pants are for mortals
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize