Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
