my phone needs a breathalizer
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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