shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
