It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
