remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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