WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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